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Assumptions vs. Reality

I asked people to make an assumption about me on my instagram story, and I wanted to share them with you because I feel like these are common first impressions that I'd love to elaborate on. I have a very intimidating exterior, but a very sensitive soul. I'll never be able to control the idea of me people create in their heads, but... this is me.

photo by @southofindigo

1. You're an enneagram 3.

I'm an enneagram 4, wing 7 and 2. Enneagram 4's are called "The Individualist."

"We have named this type The Individualist because Fours maintain their identity by seeing themselves as fundamentally different from others. They often see themselves as uniquely talented, possessing special, one-of-a-kind gifts, but also as uniquely disadvantaged or flawed. More than any other type, Fours are acutely aware of and focused on their personal differences and deficiencies. Fours are self-aware, sensitive, and reserved. They are emotionally honest, creative, and personal, but can also be moody and self-conscious. Withholding themselves from others due to feeling vulnerable and defective, they can also feel disdainful and exempt from ordinary ways of living. At their Best: inspired and highly creative, they are able to renew themselves and transform their experiences."

I'm also a Cancer, rising Taurus if you were curious. And it's all extremely, creepily accurate.

2. You seem tough and opinionated but you're probably so nice.

I get that assumption a lot. I'm actually very soft. All I ever want to do is give people love. I definitely look intimidating on accident with the RBF and all the tattoos, but the first thing I will do once you get my attention is smile. I'm not tough. I will be the first to stand up for someone else but the last to stand up for myself. I'm very sensitive. If you tell me I did something wrong or that you're disappointed in me I'll be like you're right and cry. If you look at me the wrong way, I'll think you hate me and think about it for weeks.

As for opinionated, I certainly am. We all are. But, "I don't know, I could be wrong" comes out of my mouth often. I'm not afraid to be wrong, and I'm not afraid to apologize for being wrong.

I've also learned to keep my opinions to myself in relationships because even though I could just be trying to help, I realize that unless someone asks for my opinion, it's unwarranted and will most likely do no good, even if my intentions were.

3. You are independent AF.

Yes, very much so. I'm very individualistic and headstrong. I do tend to care more than I should about what people think, but I never let that effect the way I roll. I won't change who I am for anyone. In terms of behavior, I do believe self-improvement and growth for another person is crucially important in long-term relationships. But, that being said, my personality and my beliefs will never be altered to fit someone's liking. Like I said, you get what you get with me. Love me or don't.

4. You strike me as both the life of the party and also really contemplative and chill.

This one's changes a lot for me in the past few years. I used to be a party girl and super extroverted in college because I felt secure that people liked me and I thrived on that feeling. I still can be, but it's a little more exhausting. My energy comes and goes. I can be super bubbly and I can be super mellow, but I tend to express my mellow side more often.

Nowadays I don't even like hanging out in groups because I always feel left out. I don't know if it's because I haven't hung out in the right groups or if my social tendencies have changed or if I'm simply too different from my friends-- but groups always make me feel ike a fly on the wall. I can be the life of the party when I feel like it, but I'm not going to put on a show if I don't feel energetic that day. You get what you get with me.

I tend to be more chill/mellow in social situations. I don't expect people to entertain me and people generally don't expect me to entertain them. Hanging out with me is a safe space if you'll accept the love I want to give you. I don't thrive in group settings, I thrive in situations where I can actually talk to you. That's why I don't like going out and partying as much as I used to. If I hang out with you, especially for the first time, I want the opportunity to create a connection.

5. You are a sass queen.

Actually, not really. I desperately want to be, but I'm not. I may look like a bad ass now, but I'm a softy. I do have a lot of sassy thoughts, but I rarely express them. In person, I tend to let people [in group settings, in past relationships, and in old friendships] walk all over me because I don't want to start any trouble. If no one else in the situation is confirming that what someone just said/did to me was wrong, or if no one sticks up for me, I'll just convince myself that it's all in my head and let the pain/emotions build up.

I'm pretty passive until I hit my breaking point. But, once I hit that point, I will shut that shit down. Not necessarily aggressively, I'll just raise my voice and tell you to simply not fuck with me. (Sorry to my family friends that read this and don't know I cuss... but also, not sorry. This is me. This is my safe space. I still have the same heart under the language. You're welcome to exit out if it bothers you enough to judge me that harshly.)

I do not like it when my kindness is taken for granted. Alternatively, I will 1) get really quiet until I'm out of the situation because I don't have the energy to deal with your bad vibes or 2) absolutely kill you with kindness just to annoy you.

6. You work beyond hard.

I do have a very strong work ethic. That's how I was raised. It was A's in school or I got in trouble. I'm also not afraid to go after/ask for what I want. My mom always said, "The worst they can do is say no." I do play it safe in a lot of aspects of my life, but not in my career. Not in going after the life I am striving to build.

I didn't realize how much of a workaholic I was until I started doing something I loved to do. Both as an individual content creator and as a professional/freelancer for (the best) local businesses. But I LOVE this work. It fuels my soul. And because I'm so excited to actually be passionate about what I do and who I do it for, I literally put everything I have into perfecting my work. But they give me that love back, and that means a lot to me. Gratification and good job goes so far with me. It motivates me to keep pushing myself and keep proving myself.

7. You're a very spiritual person.

I didn't post this one on my Instagram because I didn't want a big backlash. Believe what you believe, I'm cool with you no matter what and I hope to receive that same respect from you. But, no, I am not a very spiritual person. However, I do believe that the universe can hear you. I believe in manifesting the life you want for yourself and working hard to bring that into reality. If you ask the universe for what you want, it will listen to you.

8. You have hella dough for those clothes.

I wish hahaha. I have California inflated rent and student loans to pay. I do not nor have I ever had hella dough. I am, however, grateful for what I have and where I came from. I come from a middle class family in Virginia that had to work extremely hard for what they have. Neither of my parents have a degree. But they've worked so hard to get far in their career, and they gave that selflessly to my brothers and I growing up. Now I work hard for what I have. I moved out to California with a few grand saved up, and by splitting the master bedroom in a 3-BR apartment with my brother and our friend, my rent was low enough for us to get our feet on the ground. Now we have rent that's literally doubled from what we were paying in college and the majority of my income goes to taxes and living expenses. Worth it.

My clothes are gifted from brands. If I tag them in the post, it was gifted. If I use the hashtag #sponsored in the caption, it's a paid collaboration. I am hoping that doesn't come off pretentious because this did not come easily or happen overnight. I've been blogging for 3-4 years. I worked so hard to get to where I am in this career. It's a lot harder than it looks and it's been a very slow and steady growth. But, I'm so thankful to be given this platform that's given me the luxury of not having to pay for clothes. Granted, it's a lot of time and effort to shoot the content (on average at least an hour per photo though it's usually more like 3-4 for pre and post production), and the value of the content is much larger than the value of the gifted clothing... but it's a luxury and I do not take it lightly. So, please do not mistake that for a complaint. I am so thankful and willing to work for that exchange if I authentically love the brand and the clothing. It's been a true blessing being gifted a lot of my wardrobe.

Everyone will have a preconceived notion of you in their minds. You can't control how you come across to others, especially through an online presence. Anything and everything you say can be taken the wrong way no matter how hard you try to curate your online identity. My online identity is pretty close to who I am, but I do leave out a lot of my life. I leave out a lot of the hard things I've overcome, a lot of the emotions I feel, and a lot of the work I do. I will never stop being a loud, individualistic, outspokenly and apologetically expressive version of myself regardless of how much you do or don't see it on the screen. That's okay. I don't have enough time to show all of myself on the internet, nor do I want to. But, what you do see is real... and here's this is just a small snippet of the heart behind it all.

I'm going to leave you with this: please remember that there are real people with real feelings behind their instagrams, and that what you see is only ever the surface of their life. :)



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